Verbal Abuse Part III: Is There More To It?

In the Assembly system, the verbal abusiveness of the wife training did not stand alone. It was intended to be an instrument to implement the husband's complete control over the wife. Some couples did not take this seriously. They duly practiced the training routines as instructed, but did not change the structure of their relationship from partnership to dictatorship. Many husbands, however, were "true believers" and used the training to institute their complete domination over their wives. This was domestic abuse.

The way it was practiced in the Assembly closely resembles the early stages of what Dr. Susan Weitzman calls "upscale domestic violence." She enumerates the following early warning signs:

The man dominates the woman verbally, criticizing and belittling her, throwing her off balance or causing her to doubt her own worth and abilities.
He makes all plans, neither inquiring as to the woman's desires nor gathering input from her.
He alone sets the sexual pace, initiating all contacts and rejecting any of the woman's sexual approaches.
He makes most of the decisions about the future and announces them to the woman instead of including her in planning and decision-making. He refuses to compromise on major decisions.
He is moody, making it difficult for the woman to predict what the next encounter with him will be like.
He demands control over the woman's contacts with friends, family, and/or finances.
He publicly humiliates the woman. This sometimes began as "put-down" humor, but rather than apologizing, he urges her to "Get a thicker skin!" or "Lighten up!" when she protests. In the Assembly, this might have occurred in couples meetings.
He has an uncontrolled temper or unprecipitated anger at others.
He is highly critical of the woman.

Notice that at least half a dozen of these behaviors were encouraged in Assembly wife training. She gives the following profile* of the typical "upscale abuser":

There is no honeymoon period after an abusive episode. This is very distinct to my study, because what has been found prior to this has always been that after a violent episode, the man always does his best to win the woman back. That's always been found in studies of lower-income batterers. Almost all of the women I've worked with did not report such a honeymoon period. In other words, the men feel no regret, remorse - no need to apologize. They in fact feel like the wronged one. [Here is a diagram of the cycle of violence.]
The man believes he is entitled. He tends to blame his wife for any mishap or bad feelings he may feel about himself. He has a grandiose sense of self-importance and the kind of treatment he deserves. He also believes that he has the power and leverage to [do what he wants]."
He is charming but interpersonally exploitative.
He is self-absorbed and lacks empathy for others.
He needs to be in control [his wife] in every situation.
He requires excessive admiration and recognition. His demands about how his wife should look or behave are not necessarily clear, and usually impossible to meet.

Again, most of these characteristics were encouraged in Assembly husbands, and justified by twisting the scriptures. What can you do if you are stuck in this kind of post-Assembly marriage? Susan M., in her story of domestic violence in the Assembly, tells how things began to change when her family left the Assembly and began attending a healthy church, even though the abuse had escalated to physical violence:

We began attending another local Baptist church on alternate Sundays. Over the course of a few months, Tom and I sought marital counseling, as we were now making friends with healthy couples and families. The last time Tom tried to strike me I threatened to call the police, the brethren, his boss, and everyone under the sun. The physical abuse stopped then.

Change won't necessarily happen automatically. Become informed on the issue of domestic violence and get marital counseling.

*Dr. Weitzman has a footnote to this profile. "There are many aspects to this profile; here is an initial and partial list. For a more detailed list, see Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages " (her book). Also see her website.

 Part I in this series is Verbal Abuse Part I: What Is It?
 To learn what you can do about verbal abuse, see Verbal Abuse Part II: What Can You Do About It
 To assess whether you might be in an abusive relationship, ask yourself some questions.
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