Verbal Abuse Part 1: What Is It?
This discussion is based on materia in the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans, 2003.
The closed authoritarian Assembly system imposed an immature dependency on the members that prevented them from questioning this teaching. Normal listening and negotiating skills between spouses were extinguished. Husbands were being trained to imitate a narcissistic leader, with all that implies of self-importance, arrogance, lack of empathy, exploitation of others and feeling of entitlement.
Some Assembly husbands may not have had a natural inclination toward control or narcissism, and for them, discussion might be all that is needed for change. Others, however, may have had a more controlling or narcissistic nature to begin with. In such cases, verbal abuse is only one component in a larger picture. This series begins with aspects of verbal abuse, but includes help to identify other aspects of control and abuse. It also provides some clear distinctions between verbal abuse and common communication problems that are unintentionally hurtful. See Part II and Part III.
Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Here are a few Assembly examples of these verbal weapons. They are methods to manipulate, weaken and control the victim. Used regularly they erode the partner's self-esteem and the capacity to think and act independently. They create shame and humiliation.
When is verbal conflict not verbal abuse?
Presumably, couples have been moving away from their Assembly behavior in some ways since 2003. But quite apart from Assembly training, men and women in general tend to have some communication problems in our culture that sometimes result in painful situations.
Research studies show that there are gender differences in the way people communicate. Conversation style differences between genders are neither good nor bad, but differences taken to extremes can be hurtful and lead to misunderstanding for both people. Some of the key differences between typical male and female conversation styles include the following:
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Women tend to focus on connections in and between relationships.
Intimacy, sharing and teamwork are concepts that most women find
comfortable. They may try to create a community of connections and
bonding with others by talking about issues and problems. Men more often
focus on independence and status. They tend to be more comfortable with
competition and conflict, and may attempt to achieve bonding in an
environment where status and competition thrive. Women who go to
extremes to avoid competition and conflict can be easily exploited.
Men who avoid the involvement of sharing and teamwork become isolated. Consequently, if a husband initiates an atmosphere of competition and conflict in a marriage, because that's how he is used to building intimacy with his guy friends, and his wife goes to extremes to avoid this kind of involvement, she is at risk for being exploited. For example, a wife suggests they eat at restaurant X. The husbands asserts his independence and superior gourmand prowess by telling her, "No, no, XXX is much better." Not that he strongly prefers that particular restaurant so much as he wants to establish status, and bond with his wife through low key give and take. She, however, wants to avoid conflict at any cost, so she defers to him. The wife's preferences are negated, and the husband gets his way simply because their typical conversational style tend to stifle negotiation and compromise.
Note that the above example doesn't take into consideration any outside influence on the couple. When Assembly teaching on the submission of women is factored in, the exploitation and stifling is exponentially increased. - Men tend to talk more than women in public, while women tend to talk more than men in private. These tendencies are exaggerated in an authoritarian culture. In public, men tend to use conversation to command attention, convey information and insist on agreement. They sometimes use talk as a weapon. When they retreat to the safety of home, they no longer feel compelled to talk to protect their status, so they retreat into a peaceful silence. But home is the arena where a woman is more comfortable talking. She talks to him, wanting to bond through sharing, and through discussing issues and problems, but he doesn't really want to talk much. One researcher notes that the man who dominates the home conversation with verbal abuse is taking his "public talk" to an inappropriate extreme.
- Women tend to be more compliant than men, and use more "hedge" language such as, "It seems to me," "Don't you think..?," "I might be wrong, but..." In nonverbal interactions, women are more likely to lower their eyes or blink in response to a man's direct stare, move away if crowded by a man, or smile if a man frowns. A woman's nonverbal responses to male dominance tend to perpetuate female powerlessness. Men, on the other hand, use language with clear intentions, and interrupt women almost twice as much as women interrupt men. Interrupting gives men more control over conversation and its outcome.
Victims of verbal abuse will find it especially difficult to acknowledge that her spousal conflicts are not just due to conversational style differences, but are a way to degrade and control. A woman who has been verbally or emotionally abused might feel more submissive, confused, and self-blaming than a woman who has experienced physical abuse only. A woman with bruises or a swollen lip knows she has been abused. Emotional or verbal abuse is sometimes so complex and bewildering it is difficult to name and to take action against. If it can't be clearly identified, the victim may believe she is imagining it, or worse, that she is causing it.
- To learn what you can do about verbal abuse, see Verbal Abuse, Part 2: What Can You Do About It".
- To learn about other unique aspects of verbal abuse in the Assembly and other 'upscale marriages', see Verbal Abuse, Part 3: Is There More To It?
- To assess whether you might be in an abusive relationship, ask yourself the domestic abuse screening questions.
