[An] unfortunate dilemma belongs to the perpetrator. These people
must find compassion for their victims, stop hurting people, and make
amends before they can get anywhere. They may have been hurt once too,
but they still have a responsibility to stop the cycle of abuse. Here
are some ways to tell if you're a perpetrator: if you've ever hurt
people when you were in the grips of an addiction or uncontrolled
anger; if your actions have ever resulted in emotional hurt, material
damage, physical pain or humiliation for another person; or if there
are consequences to your anger, such as losing a job, a spouse, etc.
Another way to perpetrate abuse is through passive-aggressive behavior.
This happens when you commit a crime of omission. An example would be
withholding letters or information; taking responsibility for a task
and then failing to complete it (especially when you know this will get
someone else in trouble); or negligently allowing someone else to
suffer abuse that you could have stopped. Sometimes passive aggressive
acts are performed knowingly; other times it seems the person thought
it out on the subconscious level.
Perpetrators' issues are more complex than victims' issues.
Perpetrators need to tell their stories but for a different reason.
Internal denial allows the perpetrator to minimize or rationalize the
harm they have done. If they tell their stories honestly and
thoroughly, they will be amazed at people's disapproval. They need this
honest feedback to finally realize that what they did was wrong. When
they realize how much they hurt people, then they will be ready to work
with some of the concepts in this book.
Perpetrators need a qualified counselor to walk them through the hell
that they have created for others in their wake. Good counselors will
help them become better people. An unqualified counselor may prompt a
perpetrator to forgive himself too soon, which just feeds denial
mechanisms. Therefore, the wrong advice at a critical time can just
make a perpetrator worse. This is one reason they say sociopaths never
change.